Articles Tagged with: mental health

Together We Rise – The Mantra for Growing Forward Intentionally Into 2021

This has certainly been a year! And we cannot let it go by without some reflection and intention to mine all of the awareness we gained for what it has to give us to help  design our lives in the year to come.

Last week I let you know about the FREE Design Your Health for Life! Webinar I did with our very own Gabrielle Iwaskow on what it really takes to go from not being ready for change to making it happen  without having to “should” all over ourselves to get there.

We were thrilled to see so many people join us on a Saturday to take in what we had to share.  The webinar also gave us an opportunity to introduce a new offering we are really excited about:   The Design Your Health Group, a private group experience where we come together in community under the guidance of one of the therapists here at the Design Your Life Centre to amplify the impact of the kind of conversations we would often have one-on-one.  Groups are not only cost-effective, they are the most effective way of   mobilizing the support and the genius of the collective, which is just what happens when people come together for themselves and others.  If you didn’t get a chance to attend the webinar, you can watch it here.  And if the Design Your Health Group sounds like it is the thing you need now to ensure a healthier 2o21, click here to learn more and to register today.  We are extending our special rate until Dec 21, 2020 to our people in our Design Your Life community.  Use the Promo Code SELFCARE to get your preferred pricing.  Once you purchase, you will get instant access to the private Facebook group so you can get started connecting and primed for change even before the group officially meets in January.  Click here to sign up.

And there’s more…I can’t let 2020 go without getting people together to reflect and set intentions for the year ahead.  And so on December 20, I am also offering one of my signature Growing Forward Through Writing Workshops where we will come together to reflect on the growth that has happened this year, share our insights with each other, and leave with an affirmation that you will learn how to integrate for maximum impact to design your life intentionally in 2021.

If there is a theme that is already coming out of this year of chaos it’s this:  Together We Rise.  And so in keeping with giving back, half of the proceeds for the workshop will be going to the Red Door Family Shelter, an incredible charity in the Leslieville area of Toronto that provides housing for mothers and their children often displaced due to domestic violence.  So sign up and experience the transformation that happens when we connect to the truth within and witness the impact it has on others.  We are all in this together. Join us.

Warmly,

Dr. Stacy


Leveraging Community for Greater Impact

 

This past weekend, I spent 3 days among a group of clinician entrepreneurs brought together by Dr. Meghan Walker for an event called IMPACT LIVES.  I was honoured to have been invited to give the opening keynote talk and then I was honoured again by being awarded The Paragon Award for excellence as the Clinician of the Year. 

As good as it feels to have been chosen and recognized, the shine of the moment quickly faded in the face of the reality of this most recent lockdown in response to the pandemic.  The need for our services is higher than it has ever been and the sobering truth is that we are not currently doing enough to help. 

While we are continuing to grow our team to meet the demand for 1-on-1 care, this situation clearly illustrates that an exclusive individual model for delivering services is not only unsustainable but cannot serve our community at the level that’s needed right now.  As Dr. Meghan stated several times, when times are challenging, what matters most is not our resources but our resourcefulness.  And when I stand back and look at the genius that exists among the people within this community, it strikes me that we actually have an abundance of both.

This community is filled with incredible leaders, not all of whom recognize their power, but we do.  We also have been privileged to have witnessed transformation happening among our individual clients at a rate that we have never seen before.  This is the positive side effect of this unprecedented time:  it is pushing us all to grow exponentially.  Can you imagine what could happen if we connected you with others interested in designing their lives?  I know that the impact would be through the roof!

As per usual, I have a ton of ideas. But to ensure we are going to best serve your needs, we would really appreciate it if you could spare a minute to complete this brief survey to ensure that whatever we offer is in line with your needs.  You can access the survey here.   

And while you are waiting to get started in a new group offering with us, I urge you to take advantage of the offerings I helped develop with Mindful World that are full of incredible content you can use today: The 2020 Mindful World Parenting Summit, The MIlton’s Secret Conscious Conference featuring yours truly along with Dr. Shafali Tsabary, Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Laura Markam, Lisa Nichols, and Barnet Bain as well as Milton’s Secret, the first feature film based on the teachings of Ekhart Tolle.  All of these offerings provide insight and tools for addressing anxiety, stress, and bullying and will be free only until November 25, 2020.  

For those of you who would like to get started in a group experience asap, I invite you to join me on Instagram, every Tuesday morning from 7 am – 7:30 am EST @growingforwardsoulschool for the Flow to Grow expressive writing practice.  If you can’t make it that early, no worries:  you can register to receive the recordings of each session through the link in our bio.  

Lastly, as some of us begin to shop for the holidays, I urge you to support your local small businesses whenever you can.  One such business is Allwood Market, my go to place for ethically, hand-made, organic, vegan, non-toxic, fashion made with love by the infinitely creative Kevin Allwood like my sequined touque and “Be You Til Full” hoodie.  Get yours while they last.  

Thank you again for being part of the Design Your Life Community.  We look forward to seeing all that will unfold as we use this moment to come together like never before.

All of Our Best, 

Dr. Stacy & The Design Your Life Team.

 


A Gift to Support Your Self-Care on Mother’s Day & Every Day

Mother’s day is hard for so many, especially now.
For those who want nothing more than to hug their mother, or embrace their children rather than give a distant wave.
For those who have lost a child, or have been trying for the child they have yet to hold.
For those who grieve the mother they loved dearly and has passed on, or the mother they had wished for but never had.
Mother’s day can be hard

And so… for all of those who are mothers and for all who have had a mother , we offer this little gift: an affirmation we hope will help you connect with the infinite love that created you that you can tap into and give to yourself.

Many thanks to @zachkellum for offering this opportunity to combine my voice and this message with his beautiful music. Follow him on Instagram for a dose of his vibes that will make your spirit soar.

Our hope is that you listen to this affirmation daily, maybe even several times a day, to absorb the truth of the message so that you can and will show up even better for yourself. And if you love it, please do share it. We all need this now.

Enjoy.

Sending you all a big virtual hug.

Dr. Stacy & The Design Your Life Team


Finding Balance in response to Covid-19

It appears that the word “pandemic” has struck fear into the hearts of many.  As mental health practitioners, the possibility that millions of people around the world are in the grips of fear is more concerning to us than the mysterious disease that is at the source of the panic. 

If there is any silver lining to be found in this situation, it’s the attention it places on the importance of practices we should continue to practice to promote and maintain wellness. Washing your hands, not touching your face, and keeping your distance from others when you are sick are some practices that we agree are a good thing to do all the time. 

Supporting your mental health is an aspect of staying healthy that unfortunately gets far less attention and yet is one of the most effective ways of boosting your immune system.  Here are some strategies you might consider incorporating and maintaining to counter any anxiety you might be experiencing in support of your wellness

 

  1. Practice deep breathing/relaxation techniques.  These practices boost the part of your nervous system that cares for all of the restorative functions of the body, including your immunity. One of our therapists, Gabrielle Iwaskow has recorded an exercise called Progressive Muscle Relaxation. You can access it here
  2. Unplug. The constant pings and notifications that take us out of the present reality too many times to count is a form of stress. Now that more of us will be working from home, the risk of staying connected for longer periods of time is greater than ever.   Consider turning your notifications off and checking in at times that you determine and are best suited to you (vs the other way around)
  3. Be mindful of the information you consume. The 24/7 news cycle is full of alarms and little direction regarding what to do with the information. Consider replacing sensationalized media with evidence-based information.  Here is a great article from the Globe and Mail from a medical journalist that strikes a good balance. You can read it here.
  4. Stay connected with each other. Community is one of the most important resources we have for all aspects of health. One of the risks we are concerned about is people becoming even more isolated. For those fortunate to live with loved ones, take the opportunity to do things you enjoy and that allows you to experience presence, together. Cook beautiful food, enjoy meals, have great conversation, make music, tell stories, play games..whatever will keep you feeling engaged and connected. And if being together physically is not possible for whatever reason, consider using the technology available to have these experiences together through the internet. 
  5. Practice Mindful Presence. Set the intention to focus on one thing for a period of time. It might be your breath. It might be a cup of tea. It might be petting your dog. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just set the intention to focus on it. When your mind wanders somewhere else (and know that this will happen), just gently come back to the intended focus. Notice how you feel. Repeat. 
  6. Practice Gratitude. Gratitude is indeed the antidote to fear. It keeps us grounded in what we actually have and cues the brain to notice positive experiences and lean into them even more. Noticing moments of joy and the things you do well on a daily basis are some additional practices that are proven to foster resiliency. This is why I included them in the Growing Forward Journal, the guided journal I created to help people grow consciously through whatever life brings. You can download a free copy here to use and follow. 
  7. Be present with what is…even if that includes thoughts you’d rather not have. It’s better to allow the thoughts than to resist them. As long as we regard them as just that …thoughts. You have a gazillion thoughts and not all of them are useful. In fact, many of them are nonsense. If that sounds insulting, take that as a sign that you might be too attached to your thoughts, and might even identify with them as being a part of you. They aren’t you. The fact that you can notice them is an indication that there is a “you” that is separate from your thoughts. So just notice them. The practices outlined in the points above will help. Journaling can help too.  We are a big fan of journaling because it gives the thoughts a place to go so you can notice them and then decide what you want to do with them. Giving them a physical place also helps to contain them, reducing their chance of making havoc from behind the scenes. If you make this a practice, they are less likely to pop up at times when you’d rather be focusing on something else. And there are some physical benefits for this too. Journaling for 15 minutes a day about anything that is emotionally relevant shows benefits for every indicator of physical health (blood pressure, sugar levels, hormones, you name it). Emotions are energy. When it gets used and processed it frees up more energy that will mobilize you vs weigh you down. 
  8. Practice a Growth Mindset. I developed the Growing Forward Journal precisely for times like these.  I consider this game time. It doesn’t matter if you have never practiced. You can start today and learn how to leverage this time of chaos to become even better. 

 

Download the journal here and consider using it in this way…

Start the day with free writing in the space provided and end the day with the 3 resiliency practices of moving moments of competence, gratitude and joy. 

After 7 days, you will be prompted to look back and reflect on whatever you notice in your past entries, which is information you can use to inspire how you might choose to grow forward. 

Again you can download the journal here

As this is an evolving situation, know that we remain committed to continuing to be that place of balance and support. 

We welcome any questions or suggestions you might have for how we can continue to be of best service to you in the days and weeks ahead. 

 

Be well. Our hearts and minds are with you. 

Dr. Stacy and the Design Your Life Team

 


When You Are Invited to Have an Impact on a Bad Hair Day, You Check The Ego & Make It WERK!!

I was having a lazy Sunday; you know, one of those days where you decide not to put the usual effort into looking your best.  For me, that meant putting my fuzzy mess of curls in a ponytail and donning my fabulous sequinned Kevin Allwood toque  to venture out to face the day.

On that very Sunday morning, the CBC called to ask me to speak on camera about Blue Monday, the so called saddest day of the year, as well as Seasonal Affective Disorder. Of course I said yes.

I had 1.5 hours to get camera ready.  On a day when I did my usual, I wouldn’t have given this a second thought.  But on that particular Sunday, my hair would have still been wet had I tried to rehabilitate it the only way I know how.  So the sequinned hat was going to make its debut, thankfully only on  local television.

When the videographer arrived, I found myself explaining the toque and asking if it would be better for me to take it off.  She encouraged me to wear it, so I did.  When the camera started rolling, I proceeded to speak about how there was no evidence that ‘Blue Monday’ was the saddest day of the year, but at least it got us talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which is a real challenge for many.

I felt good about having the opportunity to debunk a myth and educate the public about interventions that can help.   I got a chance to share that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (learning to address the thoughts and behaviours that contribute to mood problems) helps more than light therapy (the most common form of treatment) and can actually cure SAD.  That’s right.  The majority of people who do CBT for SAD, don’t meet the criteria for SAD the following year.  Pretty impressive.

The piece aired that evening on the 11 pm news.  The following day, the story was picked up and suddenly that picture of me in all of my sparkly regalia was popping up on MSN, Yahoo, and internet news feeds all over da place.

I received requests from 6 other news platforms that Blue Monday, and I was able to fulfill three of them giving me even more of a chance to have an impact.

It was indeed a great day.  And yet, every time I saw an image of myself in my sequinned toque a part of me cringed.  “You look so unprofessional” was the voice that accompanied that feeling.  Yup, that image was awakening my ego, that wounded part of me that rises under the perceived threat of being diminished, of being rejected for showing my true self.

Maybe you know this voice too.   It’s the one that keeps you from looking at pictures of yourself having  fun because all you can see is the extra weight.  Or maybe its the voice that prevents you from being in the picture at all because somehow you are not prepared to look your best.  Or maybe it prevents you from even going to that event, and showing up in any way shape or form, because you fear you do not belong.

This is the ego.  As a woman of colour, I have had too many experience of my voice not mattering.  The voice that convinces me that I have to work extra hard to look “professional” in order to be taken seriously is the ego, which rises to protect me from being thrown out of the tribe.   It’s the same voice that screamed at me when I stopped straightening my hair, a decision I made to free myself from the many ways in which this practice was toxic for my mind, body and spirit, and from the racism I had absorbed and internalized that kept me doing it for years.

Twenty years ago, when I chose not to listen to what the ego was telling me about my hair, I gave myself the opportunity to discover that it’s message was not real, at least not in my present reality, and with that decision, I reclaimed my authenticity; I reclaimed my power.

Now, as I cringe at the photo, I consciously take a deep breath, and recognize that I showed up as my true self that day and had an impact.  I let myself absorb this fact and just like that, the ego weakens leaving more room for my true self to expand and unfold.

So the next time you find yourself becoming small as the world beckons you to share your voice,  stop, breathe, and do it anyway.  It’s the only way to truly discover just how powerful you truly are.


The Essential Stepmom Podcast

There is no time like the fall for getting cozy inside with a good book, or as is increasingly popular, a good podcast.  

LISTEN to Episode 12 of the Essential Stepmom Podcast hosted by Tracy Poizner where I talk about the challenges of infertility, particularly in the context of being a stepmother, and the mindset that can help us grow through this incredibly difficult journey.


GUEST BLOG by Gabrielle: Breaking Up With Social Media

My boyfriend and I decided to take a break, a break from social media. Inspired by hearing about others who did the unthinkable and quit social media ‘cold turkey’ for 30 days,  we decided to give it a try.

Thirty days was a bit more than we thought we could handle to start, so we opted for a week.  Seven days with no Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or Snapchat. Which interestingly, rendered our phones quite useless  after all of these apps were locked.

Our 1st challenge occurred three days into the week while at a Raptors game.  I wanted to post a picture of us on Instagram. After a debate, we decided together that I could post it, but that I had to close the app right afterwards and not reopen it until the challenge was over. Five minutes later, we started to bicker about the caption on the picture. I could feel myself becoming agitated. I closed the app and while looking at one another we had the same realization. The first conflict we had since starting the challenge was when one of us started to engage with social media. Let that sit with you for a minute.

If I could describe the week in one word, it would be relief. It was a relief to learn that I could go into an experience without the pressure or expectation to share it with the world. I was relieved of the pressure to prove to someone else that I was having a good time. It was just the experience and I, and that was pretty great. We enjoyed the week so much that we continue to have time limits on our social media apps to this day and still hold each other accountable.

So many of us use these apps to express ourselves; to show the world what we love and to capture amazing memories. But ironically, the process and the pressure of capturing life’s special moments in order to share them with the world also distracts us from fully enjoying them.  Moreover, our awareness of the “likes” we acquire along the way runs the risk of reinforcing a soul destroying premise: that our lives only matter if approved of by others.  And then there is the automatic comparison to those who are always living a more fabulous life – a recipe for feeding the wide-spread  belief most of us carry that whoever we are is not enough.

The week without social media was like finally taking a conscious deep breath and realizing just how much stress I had been carrying.   We can certainly get by with shallow breathing throughout most of our days.  But once we know what a deep breath feels like, well, we might decide to pay attention to the process we take for granted and consciously give ourselves more of what we really need.  Which is not to live in the shallow, but to dive in, and really enjoy the deep.

I am a millennial and there is no denying that smartphones, technology, and specifically social media, have a huge influence on how I engage in the world. But I have redefined my relationship with it. Now I can see that the connections I want are all around me. For that, this was the best break I have ever had.

When was the last time you spent an extensive amount of time without social media? I invite you to try this same challenge and share your experience with us in the comments below. Or don’t comment and enjoy the experience for yourself.

Feeling grateful to have shared this with you,

Gabrielle Iwaskow, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)

 

Interested in learning more about Gabrielle and how she helps people Design Their Lives? Click here to learn more and to book your free consult today.


Conscious Parenting: An Invitation to Drop the Guilt and Receive The Love your Child is Ready to Give.

Almost every day for a year and a half;  that’s how long my daughter has been waiting and talking about going to drama club at her school. This was going to be her year.  She was finally old enough to attend.  So when she brought home the forms, I was on it.  I filled them out right away, sent in my money and placed them in the envelope along with all of the other forms needed for the start of the school year.  Or so I thought.

The call came a few days later from the school administrator to let me know that she did not receive any of the club forms.  WHAT???!  How was that possible?  The school administrator stated that she is always very careful as she knows how important registration in the school clubs are to the kids and their families.  She insisted that they were never received.

Is it possible that I somehow forgot to put the forms in the envelope?  My heart sank and the panic started to rise as I pictured my daughter’s disappointment, sadness and anger in response to this situation.  I choked back tears as I begged and pleaded to find a way for my daughter to be in drama, but there was nothing that could be done.  The club was full and there were 6 other children ahead of her on the waiting list.

I hung up the phone and tried to go back to work, distracted by thoughts of how I was going to break this piece of bad news.  The thought occurred to me to not tell her the entire story, to just tell her that the class was full and play the role of the heroine as I consoled her in her grief in order to shield myself from the possibility of anger directed towards me for any role I might have played in this situation.

But I couldn’t do that.  I knew that presenting her with a half truth would have created a barrier between us.  Because as much as part of my distress came from my desire to shield my daughter from pain, it was also in response to having to face the very real possibility of my own failings and the feelings of shame that typically accompanies the evidence of my imperfection. This was the real issue that I had to face.  She was not the one who needed protection.  A choice to not honestly share the truth would have been all about protecting myself.

And so I decided to do something different.  I decided first to make peace with myself.  I decided to show myself compassion.  I let myself cry as I recognized that mistakes can happen in spite of our best intentions.  I forgave myself for whatever I might have done to contribute to this situation and I decided that I would hold space for whatever feelings my daughter needed to express.  I would apologize.  Because even though I tried my best and did not know how the forms did not get to the right place, it was ultimately my responsibility.  And I committed to looking for another drama class in the community that she could join if she was amenable to this.

The decision to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but my whole truth was a decision to be fully present with my daughter; to not abandon her.  It was a decision to communicate to her that sometimes things don’t work out, but that we can deal with these disappointments… together. It was a decision to show her that she and her brother could always come to me with their mistakes because I was willing to be honest with them about mine.

When we got home, I sat both my daughter and my 8 year old son down to tell them what happened.  I wanted to include my son as he needed to see me walk the walk just as much as my daughter did.

I told them about the call, about the things I thought I did to secure her spot, about how my search for the forms at the house came up empty but that at the end of the day the school did not have them and they are also sure that they never received them. I told her that this meant that she would not be able to go to drama club this term and that I was truly sorry.

I braced myself for her tears and anger.  What happened was something that I had not anticipated.  Rather than getting upset, this child simply looked at me, hugged me hard and gave me a big kiss on the cheek.  The only tears that were shed were from my own eyes as I took in the unconditional love she so clearly expressed to me in that moment, a profound gift that healed and will forever touch my heart.

The gift my daughter gave me that day not only showed me her resilience but did wonders for further weakening my harsh inner critic. It is a gift that I opened myself up to receive because I was willing to face my own suffering, and meet it with compassion.

This is what conscious parenting is all about.  It’s not about being the perfect parent.  It’s about creating a space for self-compassion, and awareness so that we as parents can accept the invitation our children have for us to come into our authentic selves.

Interested in learning more about Conscious Parenting? Then you absolutely need to come out to see Dr. Shefali Tsbary in person in Toronto on September 30, 2018.

Image result for dr.shefali

For those of you who are unfamiliar with her, Dr. Shefali is a world-renowned psychologist, Oprah regular, TED Talk veteran and the NY Times best selling author of The Conscious Parent, Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children, and The Awakened Family.  She is one of the foremost authorities on Conscious Parenting, and one of the most engaging speakers I have ever seen.

You can learn more and register for her event here.  And not only will I be there for her talk and the post-talk Q&A, but …..I am going to have the chance to interview her in person (eeeee!!!!).

Dr. Shefali has agreed to be a key participant in a 7-day, on-line summit by Mindful World called Parenting In The Age Of Change, which will be hosted by none other than yours truly.  I can hardly wait.

The summit will be bringing together world leaders and practitioners in the areas of parenting, mindfulness, education, brain science, and holistic health, to teach us how we can truly  apply mindful practices and teachings in support of parents and children who are feeling more disconnected than ever in a hyper-connected world.

I cannot believe that I get to pick the brains and play a role in sharing the wisdom of some of the greatest teachers in this area.  So send me your questions! Let me be your voice. It is incredibly important that my questions reflect your concerns, so do not be shy.  Send them.

And do let me know when you register for Dr. Shefali’s event.  I would love to meet up and meet later that week to discuss our takeaways and how we can start implementing some of these ideas for our families and ourselves.

We are all in this together.

With Deep Respect

Dr. Stacy


I Looked Down the Barrel of a Gun and Found Compassion

The impetus to share this story arose as a response to the chaos that was unfolding in the summer of 2016.  I have come to think of that summer as the time of my own awakening when I heard the call to action and made the decision to do more to have a positive impact on the world.  My hope is that reading it will not only help you gain some insight into what motivates me, but will awaken you as well to being bolder, and more courageous to create the world you want to live in. 

And for those close to me who were previously unaware of this story and might be shocked and distressed to learn about what I experienced, I need you to recognize that, while I kept this story from you, I have never hidden the essential part of my truth:  I am and have always been OK.  I encourage you to keep this in mind as you read below. 

 

The place was a small fishing village in northern Brazil.  A piece of paradise where nothing much happens other than eating, surfing, dancing and swimming with dolphins who delight in teasing humans with their regular visits to the beach.

My husband and I were on the last leg of our month-long honeymoon in South America.  That morning, we decided to take the ferry from the mainland to a small strip of beach frequented by kite surfers.  There was a makeshift restaurant at one end close to where the kite surfers were doing their thing, and a broad stretch of beach further up the strip.

Kite surfers on the beach

We decided to admire the kite surfers at a distance and set up far enough away that we could enjoy the tranquility offered by the nearly uninhabited stretch of white sand and the hazard free ocean in front of us.

Our piece of paradise

We were alone with the exception of 3 men who were hanging out, throwing what looked like a flimsy fishing line in the water.  It seemed like a strange way to fish, but what did I know?  I didn’t give it much thought.  One of them looked like someone who had attended University with me.  Another fleeting thought.  Without a care in the world, we turned our backs on them to face the sun.

My next memory was of being woken from a daze by one of those men standing over me, yelling.  My eyes struggled to transition from the darkness behind my eyelids to the blinding white light of the sun that back lit his face.  In spite of my initial blindness, the intense tone of his voice triggers everything in my body to instinctively and immediately ready itself for action.  My pupils constrict and I can see through the blinding sun to the features of his contorted face as he yells in a quick staccato voice filled with aggression.   And somehow, with powers I did not know I had, I spring up from my prone position on the ground to standing on my feet.  I am ready to run.

My initial thought was that there was some kind of emergency.  As I came to my senses, I quickly realized that we were the ones in need of help.

The next few moments in my memory are like a frenetic scene out of a Guy Ritchie movie, sped up in some places and incredibly slow in others with dramatic close ups of the most dangerous aspects of the threat:

An angry face yelling angry words in a language I didn’t understand;

Another grabbing our knapsack and my husband running after him with pure rage on his face, a look I had never seen before… and never want to see again.

The man with the gun fires a shot into the ground and I see the sand fly upwards in response.  In my mind’s eye the shot explodes just in front of my feet.

My husband falters but keeps going after him and I am screaming for him to “STOP! STOP! STOP!”

In that moment, I did not fear my own death.  Nor did my life flash in front of my eyes as is often portrayed in movies as the main character falls towards their demise. In that moment, I feared for only one thing: the death of my future with the man I had waited a lifetime to meet.

What flashed through my mind was not my past, but of stories of others’ who had survived the horror of witnessing their spouse murdered during the honeymoon.  Was this going to be my story too? Was this the moment when my life would take a dramatic turn?  The moment that would leave me traumatized and would forever be a marker by which I judged the ‘before’ and ‘after’?

I knew why my husband was desperately trying to retrieve the knapsack.  It had nothing to do with the money, the keys and the papers for our rental car, or the key to the home where we were staying.  He was running after our camera, which contained the memories of all of our experiences of our honeymoon up until that point.

I kept screaming for my husband to stop because I didn’t care about having a reminder of the wonderful moments we shared in the past. All I could think about was keeping him with me so we could continue to create new moments of wonder in the present and future.

It was the bullet that whizzed past my husband’s left ear that finally got him to stop.  The man with the gun, aimed it at his face and then, with a steady hand and arm outstretched, moved the gun slightly to the right and fired.

What followed in the wake of encountering this dark side of humanity was a surprising demonstration of love, caring and concern from the most unlikely places.

As we ran for the safety of the restaurant, screaming for help at the top of our lungs, we were met by a tall French man who told us that he caught the entire robbery on video.  He had been filming his friends kite surfing when he heard our screams.  When he saw what was happening, he immediately started filming our assailants in the act and continued filming them as they escaped into the bush with our knapsack.

Among the mixture of locals and tourists at the restaurant was a young man who took it upon himself to escort us back to the mainland and act as translator in our initial interactions with the police.  This young, brown faced man in a green t-shirt, was somehow able to communicate with me in spite of the fact that I do not speak a word of Portuguese and he could not possibly have any familiarity with the Spanglish that was coming out of my mouth.  To this day, our mutual understanding remains a mystery.  And quite honestly, his calming presence and willingness to stay with us earned him guardian angel status in my eyes.

He accompanied us on the ferry back to the mainland, and woke up the village police who were literally sleeping at the time.  As the village police got dressed (and I know this because they were putting on their long pants, socks and shoes in front of us), the roar of a speeding vehicle and the loud screech of tires rudely disturbs the lazy pace of the scene in front of us.  The military police have arrived.

With the vehicle barely stopped, four large, muscular men in full fatigues, carrying big machine guns jump out of the vehicle and come running towards us.  And I find my heart in my throat once again for the second time that afternoon.

They are intense, and are clearly not impressed with the village police who are taking far too long to respond to this situation.  They drive their truck onto the ferry and my husband, the guardian angel, and I head back to the scene of the crime.

Once we arrive on the shore, the military police get back in their jeep and are motioning for our angel to go with them.  He backs away refusing to join them, to which they respond with a mixture of frustration and disbelief.  My sense was that he did not want to witness anything he would want to forget.  Sure enough, we later learned that when the military police are involved, their approach is to shoot first and ask questions later. Not wanting to waste any more time, they sped off into the bush on the hunt for the criminals who stole our knapsack.

In the hours and days that followed this dramatic event, the people in this little community continued to astound us with their generosity and demonstrations of care.  The developer of the time share community where we were staying was one notable person whose efforts to take care of us went above and beyond anything we could have expected.

He anticipated that we would not feel safe going home that night while they were in process of changing the locks.  So he offered us a room in his hotel down the road and fed us at his expense.  But more than that, he sat with me and listened as I told my story and allowed me to cry.

He was also there for us as a driver, and translator as we went into town to file an official police report and in all further dealings with police and the investigators assigned to the case.

That night after he dropped us at the hotel, my husband and I talked for hours in spite of our exhaustion.  We shared every thought, every feeling we experienced throughout the ordeal.  As a psychologist, I knew it would be important to not hold anything back.  The time to process this was now, not later, so that we could move on without having to relive it repeatedly in our minds in the future.  I was determined that we would not leave this place as victims of trauma, and this was not going to take away from the amazing experiences we had up until that point, or those that we were yet to experience in the days ahead.

One of the questions we contemplated was whether we should leave or continue with our vacation as planned.  As we reflected on everything that happened, we could not help but be moved by the kindness of strangers and the support this community had given to us.  In spite of having an encounter with the dark side of humanity, we made the choice to focus on the love that we received and decided to stay.

Believe it or not, the authorities actually took this case seriously.  In fact, the chief of police for the biggest city in the region got involved and openly expressed his determination to find the men who did this.

Why would they care so much about a stolen knapsack belonging to a couple of Canadian tourists?  Because the knapsack was not just a knapsack; its theft at gun point from tourists who would undoubtedly tell the story when they returned home, represented a threat to the entire community.

This little place where nothing happens had built its reputation on being a safe heaven, an oasis, in a country too often plagued by chaos.  So yes, they had a vested interest in keeping the peace.  As they should, because the benefits to them went beyond the monetary.  They were fiercely protective of their way of life.  They were passionate about their community.   They were courageous enough to care.

Caring and acting on that care was clearly demonstrated by people from all walks of life.  From the store owner across the street from where our rental car was parked who organized to keep watch over the vehicle throughout the day and night, to the chief of police of the small community who was moved to tears as he held our hands and expressed how sorry he was for what we had been through.

In the end, they caught the three men.  Between the video, the community banding together, and the police, they caught the men who did this and our camera was returned.

The people in this community became our heroes and defenders and it was their actions of compassion that ultimately healed our hearts.

It was a little place where nothing much happens.  And they knew what it would take to keep it that way.  They lived with compassion.  They cared but were not passive in their caring.  They embodied the true meaning of that word:  with feeling, with care, with passion, together.  This is what it takes to build and nurture a strong community.

As I write this in the midst of the summer of 2016, it feels like the world is crumbling all around us.  The politics of division fuelled by fear are inescapable as is the news of yet another mass shooting, or attack on citizens by those given the authority to serve and protect.

After Orlando, Philando Castille and Alton Sterling, I wake on the morning of July 8, 2016 to hear about the shooting and killing of several police officers guarding a peaceful anti-violence protest in Dallas; the act is assumed to be in retaliation for the killing of black men at the hands of police.   I read in a state of near disbelief, and I lose it.  The tears start streaming down my face.  No amount of deep breathing or meditation is going to be a salve for the ache in my heart.  And as I cry, I realize that this is what I need to feel.

I cry not only for the victims and their families but also because it feels as if we, who are committed to having a positive impact on the world, are losing the battle.

And then, I come back to thinking about that little fishing village in Brazil and their compassion and courage to act boldly and decisively to protect, and nurture their community.  And my sense of hope returns because I can see the answer through their example. The only way to counter the chaos and the temptation to retreat into passivity is to fight even harder to build a strong sense of place, to make meaningful connections and to contribute.  To care like your entire life depends on it.  Because it does.


Fear Not The Dark Side. Understanding it is the Quickest Route Back to the Light.

Renovations are hell.  Anyone who has undergone a renovation knows this.  I should know this.  I have lived through enough of them in my personal life to expect broken promises, and things to not happen as planned.  But somehow, as with other challenges we welcome into our lives, we often go into them focused on all of the shiny and happy they will bring in the end and seem to forget about the discomfort and turmoil that happens on the road to getting there.

Let me just say close to the outset of this post that I am keenly aware of how lucky I am to have such problems.  To be able to have an office to renovate is such a privilege and a blessing that to complain about things not happening as planned seems pretty ridiculous.  And yet, as much as I managed to keep calm and carry on through weeks of delays, poor communication, and lack of follow through, even after I let go of timelines, plans for a big grand opening, and surrendered to the fact that much of this important project was out of my hands, I managed to reach a breaking point.

Here is a little video of me in the office at 7 am, on the day that this project was supposed to be completed (which was one of many “final” delivery dates that did not come to fruition). This is the calm before the storm.

 

While the renovations were happening, I set up shop in one of the boardrooms in the building.  That day when I came back to the unit to pack up, I was delighted to discover that the appliances from my unit had finally been removed and were delivered to my house.  I was chatting with my contractor, so happy to express my appreciation for some work being done after a week of nothing and was feeling hopeful as we discussed next steps via bluetooth on my way home.  When I arrived, I hung up, and was greeted with this:

I immediately texted him with a picture of the scene and asked for him to contact his crew to come back to put the appliances inside the garage.  His texted response was to tell me that his team were not returning and that he had explained this to my husband.  That’s when I lost it.

 

I could not believe that these men could not make the effort to climb the stairs, ring the doorbell, to give the adult at home the opportunity to open the garage so that they could deliver the appliances properly.  They clearly did not care.  They did not care about me.  They do not care about this project.  How could I have people who do not care be involved in creating a space that is all about taking great care of people?   And why is he talking to my husband and not to me?  We had discussed this so many times.  My husband had told him this over and over again and yet he continued to discuss plans with him and not me.  I was just on the phone with him!  No matter how I looked at it, all that I could see was evidence of disrespect and a lack of care and I was mad.  So mad.  A line had been crossed.

That evening was tough.  I went for a walk by myself to blow off some steam, which was probably visibly coming out of my ears looney tunes style to anyone who was in my vicinity.  It helped a little, but not enough.

I did not get much sleep that night as the frustration and anger and the uncertainty of not knowing how to proceed swam around and around in my head.  It felt awful.  Something needed to change.  This was not me.

In my 2 am delirium I had this vision of going to my office with a big piece of paper (the kind you used to paint on with those messy easels in grade school) to write out a mission statement of sorts with a black sharpie.  It went something like this:

This space is a place of healing and transformation

This is a safe space.

A place where all who enter can expect to be accepted, nurtured and cared for

in order to access and empower the divine within.

Every being who enters, no matter their role, is invited to take a moment to centre themselves in the purpose and focus of this space

So as to do their best work, with their highest level of skill, ability and care

In service of the divine within themselves, which ultimately functions to serve others.  

With deepest gratitude and respect for your service 

Your willingness to show up fully in all that you do

and share your divine light with us

Dr. Stacy

My focus in writing this message was on the men hired to bring my vision to life.  It was a desperate plea.  An attempt to try to regain a sense of control of this thing that was not going as planned with a team whose actions communicated to me a lack of caring for something that I believed required the utmost care.  It felt like everything was misaligned.  This was my way of righting that.

And while the image of me writing this in big black letters and posting it on the wall was all about them, in the end it was really about me.  I was the one who was misaligned.  That message was for me.  I was the one who needed to return to being a place of healing and transformation.

As soon as I crafted that statement in my head, something shifted for me internally.  The anger, that I chose to accept and allowed myself to feel, started to dissipate.  So much so, that two days later, when I came back to the space on a Sunday morning it felt like the anger, that at one point was overwhelming, was completely gone.

As I entered the unit with my friends to give them a tour, I was surprised to find my contractor and crew working away. To my surprise, and his, I immediately walked over after greeting him and, believe it or not, I actually gave him a big hug.  I was able to express my genuine gratitude for him being there.  I also grabbed him by the shoulders as I pulled back and told him to look into my eyes.  As I pointed to my own eyes while I stared into his, I asked him to do a simple thing.  To see me.  I told him that I needed him to see me.  I reminded him that my eyes existed before my husband existed.  I exist.  I needed him to see me.  And seeing me meant that he needed to speak to me. No matter what, he always needs to speak to me.

He laughed and said he understood.  We hugged it out again, and we both parted with smiles.

As I left I realized that just like the way my subconscious brought me back into alignment with the divine light within me, my anger was all about me too.  I had projected my own values, and assumptions onto the renovation crew.  I made the assumption that they could not be bothered, that they made a choice without regard or respect for how overwhelming it would seem to have to figure out moving appliances a few feet when for them it was so easy.  The fact is, they were likely not conscious at all.  Who knows what they were thinking? Their thoughts were somewhere else.  And yes, thinking things through is a reasonable expectation to have of anyone we hire to do work for us.  But the extent of my anger was about something else.  I was the one who added the layers and made it into something much bigger than it likely was or needed to be.  I was the one who has had too many experiences where I was overlooked, my opinion, undervalued, my voice unheard that predated the experience with this contractor.  In the end, it was all about me.

Now I know some of you are wondering whether my internal shift resulted in a better outcome.  The answer is, yes and no. The office is useable and I am delighted every day that I get to be in it.  People tell me that they feel at home and some of the groups I have hosted hang out because they don’t want to leave.  It means the world to me that people feel comfortable here.  In this respect, my goal has been realized.

However, it remains a work in progress.  I am still missing my internal doors, the lighting is not quite right and there are some other finishing touches that need to be completed.  But whether with the original crew, or someone else, it will all get done.  And more importantly, I am not stressed or distracted by it.  I am focused and relaxed and my energy is where it needs to be.  And I am confident that I will be able to maintain this mindset, regardless of how long it takes for the vision for my office to be realized.

The point of this story is not so much about the outcome, it’s about the process. It’s always about the process.

I do not regret feeling my anger.  I did regret expressing it to those who were undeserving (e.g., hubby) and apologized for it. But I do not regret allowing myself to feel it.  It pushed me to explore why I felt so strongly, which ultimately led me to understanding and affirming my values, my purpose and even my existence.  The solution that arose was fantastical and weird and perfect in its own way.  It allowed me to come back to me.  And I am happy to say that I have been even more conscious about choosing how I want to feel and what I want to experience each day, especially those days that have the potential to be hard for whatever reason.

Designing Your Life is all about assuming responsibility for your inner world.  It is the only way to have true control and to live the kind of life you want to live.

So as we enter a new year, I ask you, are you willing to face your “dark side” with compassion, and acceptance with a focus on understanding the source of your distress?  If not, consider that it might just be the most efficient and effective way of reconnecting with your light.