There is no time like the fall for getting cozy inside with a good book, or as is increasingly popular, a good podcast.
LISTEN to Episode 12 of the Essential Stepmom Podcast hosted by Tracy Poizner where I talk about the challenges of infertility, particularly in the context of being a stepmother, and the mindset that can help us grow through this incredibly difficult journey.
Almost every day for a year and a half; that’s how long my daughter has been waiting and talking about going to drama club at her school. This was going to be her year. She was finally old enough to attend. So when she brought home the forms, I was on it. I filled them out right away, sent in my money and placed them in the envelope along with all of the other forms needed for the start of the school year. Or so I thought.
The call came a few days later from the school administrator to let me know that she did not receive any of the club forms. WHAT???! How was that possible? The school administrator stated that she is always very careful as she knows how important registration in the school clubs are to the kids and their families. She insisted that they were never received.
Is it possible that I somehow forgot to put the forms in the envelope? My heart sank and the panic started to rise as I pictured my daughter’s disappointment, sadness and anger in response to this situation. I choked back tears as I begged and pleaded to find a way for my daughter to be in drama, but there was nothing that could be done. The club was full and there were 6 other children ahead of her on the waiting list.
I hung up the phone and tried to go back to work, distracted by thoughts of how I was going to break this piece of bad news. The thought occurred to me to not tell her the entire story, to just tell her that the class was full and play the role of the heroine as I consoled her in her grief in order to shield myself from the possibility of anger directed towards me for any role I might have played in this situation.
But I couldn’t do that. I knew that presenting her with a half truth would have created a barrier between us. Because as much as part of my distress came from my desire to shield my daughter from pain, it was also in response to having to face the very real possibility of my own failings and the feelings of shame that typically accompanies the evidence of my imperfection. This was the real issue that I had to face. She was not the one who needed protection. A choice to not honestly share the truth would have been all about protecting myself.
And so I decided to do something different. I decided first to make peace with myself. I decided to show myself compassion. I let myself cry as I recognized that mistakes can happen in spite of our best intentions. I forgave myself for whatever I might have done to contribute to this situation and I decided that I would hold space for whatever feelings my daughter needed to express. I would apologize. Because even though I tried my best and did not know how the forms did not get to the right place, it was ultimately my responsibility. And I committed to looking for another drama class in the community that she could join if she was amenable to this.
The decision to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but my whole truth was a decision to be fully present with my daughter; to not abandon her. It was a decision to communicate to her that sometimes things don’t work out, but that we can deal with these disappointments… together. It was a decision to show her that she and her brother could always come to me with their mistakes because I was willing to be honest with them about mine.
When we got home, I sat both my daughter and my 8 year old son down to tell them what happened. I wanted to include my son as he needed to see me walk the walk just as much as my daughter did.
I told them about the call, about the things I thought I did to secure her spot, about how my search for the forms at the house came up empty but that at the end of the day the school did not have them and they are also sure that they never received them. I told her that this meant that she would not be able to go to drama club this term and that I was truly sorry.
I braced myself for her tears and anger. What happened was something that I had not anticipated. Rather than getting upset, this child simply looked at me, hugged me hard and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. The only tears that were shed were from my own eyes as I took in the unconditional love she so clearly expressed to me in that moment, a profound gift that healed and will forever touch my heart.
The gift my daughter gave me that day not only showed me her resilience but did wonders for further weakening my harsh inner critic. It is a gift that I opened myself up to receive because I was willing to face my own suffering, and meet it with compassion.
This is what conscious parenting is all about. It’s not about being the perfect parent. It’s about creating a space for self-compassion, and awareness so that we as parents can accept the invitation our children have for us to come into our authentic selves.
Interested in learning more about Conscious Parenting? Then you absolutely need to come out to see Dr. Shefali Tsbary in person in Toronto on September 30, 2018.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with her, Dr. Shefali is a world-renowned psychologist, Oprah regular, TED Talk veteran and the NY Times best selling author of The Conscious Parent, Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children, and The Awakened Family. She is one of the foremost authorities on Conscious Parenting, and one of the most engaging speakers I have ever seen.
You can learn more and register for her event here. And not only will I be there for her talk and the post-talk Q&A, but …..I am going to have the chance to interview her in person (eeeee!!!!).
Dr. Shefali has agreed to be a key participant in a 7-day, on-line summit by Mindful World called Parenting In The Age Of Change, which will be hosted by none other than yours truly. I can hardly wait.
The summit will be bringing together world leaders and practitioners in the areas of parenting, mindfulness, education, brain science, and holistic health, to teach us how we can truly apply mindful practices and teachings in support of parents and children who are feeling more disconnected than ever in a hyper-connected world.
I cannot believe that I get to pick the brains and play a role in sharing the wisdom of some of the greatest teachers in this area. So send me your questions! Let me be your voice. It is incredibly important that my questions reflect your concerns, so do not be shy. Send them.
And do let me know when you register for Dr. Shefali’s event. I would love to meet up and meet later that week to discuss our takeaways and how we can start implementing some of these ideas for our families and ourselves.
We are all in this together.
With Deep Respect
Dr. Stacy
From the moment she first saw me, and gave me a look as if to say, “Who the heck are you?” I knew that I had brought a fierce female into the world. This tiny creature with pale skin, dark eyes, enviously long eyelashes and a head full of black straight hair was born with attitude and so far, she has continued to live up to this first impression. She is the classic precocious second child. But of all of her accomplishments in her young life to date, none have impressed me more than the wisdom and courage she demonstrated this past summer.
My daughter had been stung by either a bee or a wasp while out playing in the park with her nanny and friends. I learned about the incident at the end of the day, but as there was no visible sign of a sting, her nanny believed that my daughter was distressed out of fear not because she was actually stung. By the following morning, the swelling between her eyes which transformed my daughter’s face into Cymba’s twin, indicated that she had indeed been stung by something.
A few days later, my daughter and her nanny returned to the same park to play. Not surprisingly, returning to the scene of the painful incident triggered her fear response and my daughter insisted that her nanny hold her the entire time.
(Now, I know what you’re thinking – this kid isn’t sounding too fierce at the moment. Just bear with me… it gets better).
I responded to the latest news of her fear of bees by sitting and talking to my daughter about the source of her fear, and expressing empathy for why she would be afraid to return to the same park where she was hurt. I also talked to her about the downside of allowing fear of what might happen get in the way of her ability to have fun with her friends in the park, the same park where she has played so many times without ever getting stung. I didn’t appreciate the impact of this brief conversation until a few hours later after I returned from a speaking engagement and learned about her very unusual request.
While I was gone, my daughter asked my husband to turn on our gas fireplace. The first and last time she had seen the fireplace lit several months ago, she screamed hysterically like an accused witch in Salem about to be burned at the stake, and was inconsolable for at least an hour afterwards. Moreover, for several weeks following this incident, my daughter spoke daily about her scare with the fireplace and made every effort to keep her distance from it.
Just a couple of hours after talking to her about the importance of not allowing fear to rob her of having fun at the park, this child asked to see the very thing that terrified her months previously. She was only 2.5 years old. Astounding.
Clearly, some aspect of my talk must have resonated, and the only way that could have happened is if she was able to appreciate the truth in what I was saying. Her courage to essentially say “bring it on” with such determination and calm, well that just absolutely blows my mind.
This story will forever serve as a reminder to me to never underestimate the wisdom contained within all of us, particularly our children. My hope for myself as her parent is that I always respect my daughter for the unique individual she is, forever connected to me but separate from myself. And that I appreciate the importance of being her student as much as her teacher for how to live with courage and to trust one’s inner wisdom.
You go girl!
Much love and respect,
Mom (aka Dr. Stacy)
I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to see this project finally come to fruition. Milton’s Secret, the movie is finally out in theaters and is a must see.
Based on the children’s book of the same name by Ekhart Tolle and Robert Friedman, Milton’s Secret the movie brings Tolle’s teachings to a wide audience with a story to which most children and families can relate. Milton is a pre-teen with loving parents who is overwhelmed not only by the bully at school, but also the stresses to which he is exposed in the family as a result of hard economic times. As each member of the family copes in their own way, we see that the disconnection between them adds to Milton’s state of anxiety. Then grandpa comes to visit. It is through grandpa, played with amazing finesse by Donald Sutherland, that we see Tolle’s teachings of mindful presence and compassion in action. The result is a shift that appears to naturally occur in others as they learn from his example and awaken to living more consciously.
As you can tell by this brief description, this is not your typical Hollywood Movie. In fact, the producers of the film knew that if they took this script to Hollywood it would have never been made. The only reason this film is here today is because of the kick start it received by conscious people around the world. Crowd funding helped bring this film to life. I was one of those contributors and this story, which was so lovingly crafted and directed by Mr. Barnet Bain, has far more value than the money I contributed to the cause.
With producers, Ryan Lockwood (left) and Stephen Huszar (right)
Listening intently as Barnet Bain , the director, shares his insights during a moderated discussion on bullying as part of the Creator Talks at VIFF. The cast members in attendance pictured here from left to right were William Ainscough (Milton), Hays Welford (Tim) , and Mia Kirshner (Jane, Milton’s mom)
Talking to CTV’s Norma Reid about my involvement with the film
The movie is just the beginning. The really exciting part is what’s coming next: materials that will help people learn how to put Ekhart’s teachings into practice to benefit their ability to navigate life’s challenges, relate better with each other, and get more out of life.
Go to miltonssecret.com to find out how you can see the film and for updates about accompanying learning materials as they are released. I encourage you to share the film with friends, family, classmates, schools, coworkers…and get talking. And please send me your thoughts and comments about the movie. They might just inspire some of the content of teachings that are to come 😉 .
Stay tuned…
Dr. Stacy
